Its My World

Dating Tips for Lesbians

2008-08-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

Dating Tips for Lesbians

by Kathy Belge

There’s an old joke. What does a lesbian bring on the second date? Answer: A U-Haul. The stereotype is that lesbians don’t date, they just move from one relationship to another. Whereas there is some truth to every stereotype, don’t be worried that just because you came out of the closet, you’re going to have a new roommate next week!

Where can I meet other lesbians?

As the bumper sticker says, “We are everywhere!” But lesbians do tend to congregate in certain places.

Lesbian and gay bars: If you’re over 21, this might be the most obvious place to try and meet someone. Some women have luck meeting partners in bars, others find the atmosphere superficial and hard to get to know someone. And alcohol can always alter your judgment. My suggestion is to go to a bar with some friends. Check the scene out and see if you feel comfortable.

How do I approach someone?

If someone catches your eye, give her a look and see if she makes eye contact. If she holds your glance, approach her. Introduce yourself and ask her name. Try not to use a corny line. Ask her to dance or play a game of pool. Buy her a drink. Ask her if she’s single and get her phone number.

What about personal ads?

Personal ads can be a great way to meet other women. You can be explicit in what you’re looking for and both of you know that it’s a date. You can place an ad in the local paper or on the internet. Check out yahoo personals, technodyke.com or lesbian.com for starters. See if there’s anyone from your area with an ad you’d like to respond to, or place your own. Read what other women write to get an idea of what you’d put in your ad. Try to avoid clichés, like “I like long walks on the beach.” Put something unique or funny and you’ll probably get a great response.

That sounds too forward. I’m shy. What can I do?

Just like heterosexual folks, your best bet in meeting someone is through a shared activity or common interest. What do you like to do? If you like to read, join a lesbian reading group. Volunteer at the local homeless or animal shelter. Join a women’s bike riding club. Volunteer at a gay rights organization or for a gay-supportive politician. Take a women’s or queer studies class. If you meet someone you like, you’ll have something in common to talk about.

What should I know about AIDS and safer sex?

Good question! Lesbians are at risk for HIV. It’s always good to talk to your partner about risk factors before you decide to become sexual.

Flirting Tips for Lesbians

2008-08-19T07:58:00.001-07:00

How does a woman flirt with another woman? That can be tricky, especially if you do not know the sexual orientation of the object of your flirt.

There's nothing like having someone flirt with you to boost your self-esteem. Whether or not you return the attraction, it feels good to know that someone finds you attractive. Flirting is an art. It's a two-way game. You have to be able to read your partner's interest and comfort in the flirtation in order to know how to proceed.

But, if done properly, there is nothing better or more exciting than letting the electricity grow between you two in the beginning stages of a relationship. Flirting can be subtle or overt. I prefer the subtle kind.

Here's some tips for flirting:
# When you're out together, try to sit near her. Notice if she moves closer or farther away. When you're sitting on a couch and your thighs touch, what does she do? Does she let it stay or inch away?
# Look her in the eye when you are talking. Hold the stare for a little longer than you would a normal conversation.
# It may sound corny, but open a door for her to walk through.
# If you're sitting across from each other, gently put your hand on hers. Don't move it away unless she does.
# Tell her she looks nice tonight. Compliment her hair or outfit.
# Find out what makes her laugh. There's nothing like humor to cut the tension and loosen you both up.
# Offer to get her a drink if you're at a party or bar together.
# Touch her hand or shoulder when you hand her a drink.
# Tell her you've been thinking about her.
# Call her just to say hi and see what's she's been doing.
# Send her a little note that says you enjoyed spending time together. An email is okay, hand written and dropped at her door or mailed is better.

Be careful not to over do it. You don't want to seem like a stalker. Look for signs that your flirtation is unwanted. Does she get off the phone quickly when you call? Do you send her long flowery e-mails, only to get one line answers in return? If so, back off and let her come to you.

Good luck and most of all, have fun!

How to Find Out if a Co-Worker is Gay

2008-03-21T00:57:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you're getting mixed signals from a co-worker, and you can't tell if he's interested in you or not. Though it can be tempting to ask bluntly about his sexual orientation so you don't make a social faux pas, this can lead to an even more uncomfortable situation. Instead, ease into the topic.

Step 1:

Gain her friendship, and she may tell you whether she's gay or straight. Of course, if all you want to know about her is her sexual orientation, becoming her friend may be tedious. However, if you're not interested in her friendship, there's no reason for you to know her sexual orientation.

Step 2:

Listen for clues in his ordinary conversation. He may talk about men he finds attractive or about his favorite gay bar. These, however, are only hints and don't give you a definitive answer. Straight men who aren't afraid of being labeled as gay may express appreciation for the way another man looks, and may frequent gay bars.

Step 3:

Share your own relationship history. Tell stories about your past partners, and invite her to share stories about past relationships, too. Listen to the names and pronouns to determine whether her past relationships were with women or men. Ask for clarification if names or pronouns are ambiguous. If she's comfortable with you, she'll probably tell you. If she is evasive, avoid the subject.

Step 4:

Ask him if he's gay once you're friends, as long as you know he won't be offended. Among friends who have no bias against those of another sexual orientation, a question like this won't be offensive. He may even think you already knew.

How to Flirt With a Co-Worker

2008-03-21T00:44:00.000-07:00

How to Flirt With a Co-Worker

Your workplace is where you spend a great deal of your time and, as a result, you meet and get to know many people there. It is only natural that you may meet someone that you want to flirt with, but it can be difficult to juggle your personal and work relationships.

Step 1:

Know your corporate policy on flirting and dating others within the company. This is especially important if you are looking to date the person you are flirting with, and if there is a working relationship where one of you is subordinate to the other.

Step 2:

Think about if you are looking for a long- or short-term relationship with your co-worker, and how you would handle working with that person if they became an ex. It is wise to avoid flirting if you think things could end badly, unless you are prepared to change jobs.

Step 3:

Maintain a professional image at all times. You do not want to hurt your career with flirtation. When emailing your crush, be careful what you say because you never know when you may hit "reply all." Avoid public displays of affection and limit emails and phone calls during work and with work resources.

Step 4:

Smile at the object of your affection, and maintain eye contact while you are smiling. This flirting standard works well in the workplace and outside of work. When your co-worker smiles back, that is a good sign. Take it as an indication to try the next steps.

Step 5:

Find something you have in common, and talk about that subject. This works best if you find more than one thing that you have in common, and these topics are something you can bring up more than once, such as sports or music.

Step 6:

Be funny. Tease your crush, without hurting anyone's feelings. A great example would be laughing at a spilled drink if the occasion arises. Or tell a humorous story or joke. Eliciting a laugh from your crush is a good sign.

Step 7:

Compliment your co-worker. In the office you can still compliment on clothing or hair choice, but also use the opportunity to praise your co-worker on a good presentation or document that you had access to.

Life Is Beautiful

2008-03-17T04:05:00.001-07:00

Get the yellow out of your jaundiced eye
Vigorously bid your lingering blues, bye-bye
At the end of the day my friend
Life is beautiful!

The shiny white light of the new dawn
Has swallowed the black gloom of night, gone
Clear the lines on your forehead my friend, as
Life is beautiful

Constant defeat has made your eyes hazy red
Yet the shiny thread of hope is almost overhead
Reach out and grasp it my friend, as
Life is beautiful

Dreams of gold and riches lie shattered in dust
Yet be certain the silver fairy will remove the rust
Hang on to hope my friend, as
Life is beautiful

Daily grind of meeting challenges are a brown morass
Which the new growing green grass will surely surpass
Jump up and climb out of this hole my friend, as
Life is beautiful

Gray clouds cover the azure skies of your horizon, you ask why
Briefly I say, for surely you will regain the patch of your blue sky
Be rest assured my friend, as
Life is beautiful

Daily, the sweat of your brow is endless, under the hot orange sun
Yet when day is done, night heralds a soothing moon as your beacon
Be full of cheer my friend, as
Life is beautiful

Heads or tails, nothing is static, life is cyclical and quite dynamic
Change is progress, seasons come seasons go, all sounds are rhythmic
Take courage and keep the faith my friend, as indeed
Life is beautiful

binaguptapoetry

You wake up in the morning, and your purse is magically filled with twenty-four hours of unmanufactured tissue of the universe of your life! It is yours. It is the most precious of possessions. No one can take it from you. And no one receives either more or less than you receive.
Author: Thomas Arnold Bennett

Love's All About Chemistry

2008-03-17T03:56:00.000-07:00

Know More About Love

People who have been swept off their feet know the feeling. Love makes us all feel funny. That sense of giddy disorientation, unsinkable euphoria and complete obsession with a new love can be so overpowering, that it's hard to imagine it's all about emotion. Now scientists are confirming there indeed may be a lot more going on in a body that's in love than simple, happy thoughts. In fact, a spate of research has shown what kind of chemical and neurological activities occur at different stages of human and animal relationships. While the results hardly make love less mysterious, they do start to shed light on why it can make people feel so funny.

Helen Fisher, a research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University , is among many scientists who believe the flush of a new love is enhanced by natural stimulants in the brain, dopamine and norepinphrine. She explains that high levels of these natural chemicals can make people lose their appetites and their desire for sleep, just by thinking about their new infatuations. "These are basic traits commonly associated with romantic love and with these natural stimulants," she says. "What else could explain the way you constantly think about a person, about the way you want to read them your bad poetry?"

Further studies show that gushy romantic sensations may be similar to the highs drug addicts feel when they're under the influence. Nora Volkow; the associate director for life sciences at Brookhaven National Laboratory in New York , has analysed the behaviours of drug addicts and people in love and found striking parallels. "When a person is passionately in love, it is extremely exciting and provocative, and if the loved one is not there, distressing," says Volkow. "When I see my drug addicted patients, it just clicks with me how similar the addiction is. "The fact that drug addiction and passionate love may trigger the same responses, signals to Volkow that drug addiction is especially dangerous since it taps into a natural sensation.

Article by Niz

Trojan Games

2008-02-28T04:13:00.000-08:00

Trojan Games (YouTube)

He holds her up with a hard on He holds her up with a hard on

Added: Jan 19
Duration: 00:41

Things women do that annoy men

2008-02-28T02:30:00.000-08:00

Men love women and are in a fix because they can’t live with them and cannot live without them. There are small things that women do that drive men insane. Read on...

Pretend to be virtuous

Women try to act ‘holier than thou’ by not admitting to the fact that they fooled around or had numerous flings. Women try to water down their past.

Women are allowed to have just as much fun as guys, and they should find a man who can appreciate that.

Criticise other women

Women can’t make a simple compliment toward another woman? They love to nitpick about everything.

Act jealous

Even mentioning another woman’s name can spell doom for a man. A lot of women have this thing that causes them to second-guess everything, especially their man’s loyalty.

Become needy

Some women have some security issues. They need their men to hold them, rub them and tell them how special they are. They turn men into their emotional crutch and look to us for moral, mental and emotional support.

Speak in code

Women use theoretical questions like “What are you thinking?”to test their men and search the true feelings about them.

Invade personal space

Women like to groom men and make men’s personal belongings theirs. In other words, they like to adjust ties and rummage through a guy’s wardrobe. But you can never try doing that to a a woman’s wardrobe or her dress.

Become too emotional

Women cry over anything: a sad movie (or even a happy one), a haircut gone awry, etc. The fact that women are usually more delicate and vulnerable is great; men just don’t want the steady stream of tears.

Shop till they drop

When it comes to shopping, there just aren’t enough hours in the day for most women. Whether it’s browsing, window-shopping or an all-out spending spree, they can spend hours on end in a shoe store, among others, without even thinking about food, water or any of their responsibilities.

Talk incessantly

Most women love to talk, and if you give them chance they won’t stop. It’s not that men don’t care about what they have to say; it’s just that they don’t need to hear every minute detail.

Use sex as a weapon

In the war of the sexes, it’s all about who wears the pants in the relationship. Often most women, in an effort to show their superiority, will attack men’s universal weak spot: sex.

Conquer sexual anxiety

2008-02-28T02:03:00.000-08:00

If you’ve been with your partner for a long time and have ‘gotten used’ to them, then it’s time to spice things up. Don’t let anxiety hold you back. Read on to know more...

Taking Stock Of Your Skills
One of the best ways to get out of thinking that you’re not any good in bed is to talk to your partner. Ask them what they love about you and your skills before and during sex. You may be surprised to hear the answers. Much of the ‘good stuff’ that we do is natural and we wouldn’t even realise that we’re
doing it. So you can count on your instincts to get you through any rough patches.

Feeling Your Way Through

Another great way to keep you confident as you’re trying to please someone new is to ask beforehand. That way, you already have an arsenal of ways to give them pleasure. If you haven’t done that, you can always ask while you’re in the moment. Ask them if this or that feels good. Where do they like to be touched? Is there anything that they don’t like? By having them guide you, you can stop worrying that you’re doing everything wrong. And people want to lead you in the right direction.

Building Up Confidence

Most of the time, our sexual skills come from trying something that you’ve never tried before. It’s amazing what jumping right in will do.

Do Your Homework

Take the time to read up on sex and ways to pleasure someone. Read magazines, websites and articles.

Find books and charts to the G-spot and other wonders of the human body. Learn as much as you can about the body and how you can please it.

Watch erotic movies and see what they do. If anything, you can always try to copy something. The more things you know, the better off you will be.

Fake It

It does not mean faking the orgasm! Act as though you know every trick in the book to make someone feel good. You would be surprised how many times you are right.

Pay Attention

By just listening to their breathing quicken, you can find a discreet little spot that needs lots of ‘attention’ or realise when their breathing slows that you’ve not where you need to be.

Realise that everyone wants to feel good, so they’ll make sure that you’re doing everything you can to ensure that.

Building Great Friendships

2008-02-28T01:57:00.000-08:00

We all love having friends, but maintaining a good friendship is difficult business. Here is a look at giving your friendship a boost

Appreciate good qualities.
When we appreciate other people’s good qualities we strengthen them. When we appreciate their good qualities, we avoid feelings of jealousy, we help to make these qualities part of ourselves. Admiring the good attributes of others, is also one of the best ways to inspire our friends.

Attitude of forgiveness
When our friends do thing that are wrong, or cause unhappiness, the best thing to do is to maintain a forgiving attitude.

Here, forgiveness is not in a condescending manner; forgiveness of friends comes from a sense of oneness. If we can feel that this mistake is something that, we ourselves, could have done, then it will be real forgiveness.

Good communication
A Good friend is one who we can share the important events of life with. If we are able to share problems with our friends it will be a burden off our shoulders.

Sharing humour
If we can find time to enjoy life and share humour it will help to maintain a good friendship. Humour is one of the best antidote’s to the teeming problems of life.

Never speak ill of others
The nature of the human mind is to enjoy gossip, but when we speak of others bad qualities we will lose the trust of our friends. When we speak ill of others, we should feel we are actually criticising part of our extended self.

Here are some more tips on being a good friend

Be there for them when they need you, not when you need something from them. Good friends don’t call up people only to request a favour. While knowing people that can help you out is important, it’s equally important not to abuse the relationship.

1. Don’t wait for friends to call you. Make an effort to keep in touch with people. Everyone is busy, but if you want to maintain good friendships you should be proactive about communications. It doesn’t mean you have to sit on the phone for two hours a day, but it does mean you send an email, a card, or give them a quick call to let them know you’re thinking about them.

2. Respond to them in a timely manner. There’s nothing more frustrating than sending a friend an email or note, and having them ignore it because they are “too busy.” Everyone is busy. If someone is your friend, you make the effort to be kind to them.

3. Don’t be part of the gossip train. Bad mouthing people you call friends is one of the worst things you can do. Don’t be catty or talk about them behind their backs. Don’t hang out with someone just so you can go back to someone else and talk about your friend.

4. Be happy for them. It may sound ridiculous, but some folks just can’t be happy at their friend’s successes.

Don’t be someone that’s only in for complaining about life. When your friend hits it big celebrate with them. When they’re interviewing for a new job pull for them. When they want to find love be gracious and supportive when they find it. There is nothing better in the world than having people that support and care about you.

It's Your Turn to fall in Love

2008-02-27T07:01:00.000-08:00

Its a special time when a couple falls in love. Its almost as the world stop turning and all the stress in the world disappears. It is a time when two people have no other cares other than spending time with each other. Suddenly friendship takes on a whole new meaning and the future looks a whole lot brighter.

So why is falling in love so much fun? I believe it is because couples have the opportunity to find something that not everyone has. It is something that most people dream about, to finally have someone who can see the person who lies beneath all of the stress and hustle that life can bring. To find a friend who is interested in what is going on in that person’s life, and truly want to be with them.

If you are looking for that certain someone, what are some things that can help you fall in love? If we all had the answers to this question we’d be millionaires, but there are things which I believe people can do to help themselves so that when they do meet that certain someone, they will be ready.

Be confident. When I say be confident, I mean to have confidence in yourself. If you know who you are and have a plan for your own happiness, you won’t be intimidated by other people. It means knowing what you like, how you want to be treated, and knowing that you can accomplish goals which you have set for yourself. Of course it’s possible to have too much, but you can measure that in your own way.

Learn to listen. Sometimes people just want to talk, and all the right words can be said simply by listening and not saying anything. It is a way for you to show interest in something that means so much to the other party. Ask questions, let them talk and feel important. There will be plenty of time to talk about yourself, but show the other person that you care by simply listening to the things which they have to say. Sometimes, no words can go a long way.

Be nice. We have all heard the phrase that nice guys finish last, well, if you are looking into falling in love; think about how you want to be treated. The golden rule can provide you with more direction than you may think. You will see that in doing this, people will notice your kindness; these types of things never go unnoticed. These are just a few ideas to help you prepare yourself to fall in love. It can happen at anytime, which is the beauty of this life. Once you find it, hold on to it and never let it go because there is nothing like being in love.

Falling in love is a fantastic experience and it can happen to anyone at anytime. If you are looking to get married and are shopping for the perfect wedding ring, Tungsten Direct would like to help. They can provide you with a beautiful Tungsten ring which is designed to last a lifetime. A Tungsten wedding band might be exactly what you have in mind for your wedding ring.

100 Greatest Love Songs

2008-02-27T06:47:00.000-08:00

Love songs should be such that they can completely put across your deep love for your beloved. Love does not need any occasion to be celebrated. You can express your love on any day of the year irrespective of the date and year. You don't need big and expensive gifts to show your love. What you need is a beautiful love song, which can very well do the job of love gifts.

Love songs are also of different kinds. Depending on the moment and the occasion you can choose the love song. You can have the Wedding love songs, country love songs, sad love songs, rock love songs or rap love songs. To give you complete freedom of selecting the right love song, we here give you a list of 100 greatest love songs.

1. A Song For You - Carpenters
2. All In Love Is Fair - Stevie Wonder
3. All Out Of Love - Air Supply
4. All The Love In The World - The Corrs
5. Anywhere For You - Backstreet Boys
6. Baby I Love You - Jennifer Lopez
7. Beautiful - Amy Grant
8. Because I Love You - Jewel
9. Born To Give My Love To You - Martina Mcbride
10. Can't Let Go - Mariah Carey
11. Can't Help Falling In Love With You - Elvis Presley
12. Don't Stop The Love - 98 Degrees
13. Endless Love - Lionel Ritchie
14. And I Love Her - The Beatles
15. Be With You - Enrique Iglesias
16. But I Do Love You - Michelle Branch
17. Find A Way To My Heart - Phil Colins
18. Give Me Your Heart - Backstreet Boys
19. Heart And Soul - Air Supply
20. I Just Fall In Love Again - Carpenters
21. I'll Be There For You - Backstreet Boys
22. Just Once In My Life - Beach Boys
23. If I Let You Go - Westlife
24. Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me - Gloria Estefan
25. Glory Of Love - Peter Cetera
26. I Love Being In Love With You - Diana Ross
27. Is It Love? - John Denver
28. Just The Way You Are - Billy Joel
29. I Miss You - Haddaway
30. Hold Me In Your Arms - Rick Astley
31. Perfect Love - Trisha Yearwood
32. Rose - Bette Midler
33. Saving All My Love For You - Whitney Houston
34. Somebody Loves You - Crystal Gayle
35. That's What I Like About You - Trisha Yearwood
36. The Way To My Heart - Mandy Moore
37. True To Your Heart - 98 Degrees
38. Speaking Of Love - Air Supply
39. The Closer I Get To You - Beyonce
40. Falling Out Of Love - John Denver
41. Goodbye To You - Michelle Branch
42. If You Had My Love - Jennifer Lopez
43. Language Of Love - Heart
44. Memories - Mac Davis
45. Never Forget You - Mariah Carey
46. Open Your Heart - Westlife
47. More Than Words - Extreme
48. Love Of My Life - Brian Mcknight
49. Making Love Out Of Nothing At All - Air Supply
50. First Time Ever I Saw Your Face - Roberta Flack
51. How Did I Fall In Love With You? - Backstreet Boys
52. I Have Always Loved You - Enrique Iglesias
53. Keep On Lovin' Me - Mya
54. My Everything - 98 Degrees
55. One Love - Trisha Yearwood
56. On The Wings Of Love - Jeffrey Osborne
57. Remember Me With Love - Gloria Estefan
58. Shower Me With Your Love - Surface
59. The Sweetest Days - Vanessa Williams
60. Unconditional Love - America
61. Why We Said Goodbye - Tim Mcgraw
62. Your Love Amazes Me - John Berry
63. Written In My Heart - Plus One
64. You Belong To My Heart - Elvis Presley
65. Feelings - Morris Albert
66. Greatest Love Of All - Whitney Houston
67. I Fall To Pieces - Patsy Cline
68. Just The Lonely Talking Again - Whitney Houston
69. U Don't Love Me - Los Kumbia Kings
70. Vision Of Love - Mariah Carey
71. When I Saw You - Mariah Carey
72. You And I - Eddie Rabbit And Crystal Gayle
73. You Light Up My Life - Debbie Boone
74. Always And Forever - Heatwave
75. Back To You - John Mayer
76. Colors Of The Wind - Vanessa Williams
77. For You - John Denver
78. Game Of Love - Michelle Branch
79. Heaven And Earth - Al Jarreau
80. I Just Want To Be Your Everything - Andy Gibb
81. Let Me Let Go - Faith Hill
82. Love For All Seasons - Christina Aguilera
83. Now That I Know - Mariah Carey
84. Open Arms - Journey
85. Please Forgive Me - Bryan Adams
86. Sad Eyes - Bruce Springsteen
87. This Kiss - Faith Hill
88. True To Your Heart - 98 Degrees)
89. Anything For You - Gloria Estefan
90. Crazy For You - Madonna
91. God Only Knows - Beach Boys
92. How Am I Supposed To Live Without You? Michael Bolton
93. I Knew I Loved You - Savage Garden
94. Is This Love? Whitesnake
95. I've Got The Music In Me - Heart
96. Put That On Everything - Brandy
97. Safe In The Arms Of Love - Martina McBride
98. Some Days - Trisha Yearwood
99. Tender Love - Backstreet
. There Is Love - Paul Stookey

Top 21 Ways To Make A Woman Fall In Love With You

2008-02-20T22:32:00.000-08:00

Call her the next day.
Always laugh at her jokes.
Tell her (truthfully) that you can't wait to see her again.
Offer her a backrub, without asking for one in return.
Call her just to say you were thinking about her.
Bring her a teddy bear and chicken soup when she's sick.
Write her a poem.
Slow dance with her (not only on a dance floor).
Bring her flowers for no reason.
Send her a (handwritten) letter just to say hello.
Always remember your anniversaries and bring her something sweet.
Kiss her in the middle of a sentence.
Take her for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars.
Tell her something about you that no one else knows.
Remind her that you still think she's beautiful.
Take a bubble bath together.
Watch a sappy movie with her.
Surprise her with a candle light dinner.
Never stop trying to impress her.
Tell her you love her
Never forget how much she means to you.

Flirting Tips

2008-02-20T22:30:00.000-08:00

Women are so much more subtle about flirting clues that men need to really pay attention. Ladies, men are not used to women flirting with them. An overwhelming majority of men said they would just love it if a woman would talk to them first or at least express a larger clue that you were interested in checking them out.

#1: Repeated contact...at least three separate verbal or non-verbal clues need to be given. Why? The first time he's going to look around and make sure it's really him that you are flirting with. The second, he knows it's him and he gets flushed and pleased. (At this point he'll probably walk by you and at least smile..he's checking you out a little more.) The third time you can express interest-by introducing yourself, or commenting on his tie, or waving from across the room. Now he knows you are open to meeting and it will be a cinch.

#2: Whisper...it always gets their attention. Ask them if you can tell them a secret...Then whisper in their ear: 'I just love your tie...can I buy it from you when you are done with it?'

#3: Don't sit with other women...men don't want you to reject them in front of an audience. If you do go out with a friend...separate every so often or take a breather from talking...men do not want to risk your disapproval by interrupting you. (You have already missed out on a lot of quality polite men who didn't want to interrupt.)

#4: Treat men gently...If someone you are not interested in approaches you and flirts ...be nice.... All the other men are watching to see what you do. If you laugh after he leaves or show visual disapproval, you are cutting your chances on anyone else approaching you. Try shaking his hand and saying something like: 'It was so nice of you to approach me...what's your name? Tom? Tom, I know how hard it is to meet people...I might have a girlfriend who would be interested in you.'

#5: IF he acts like a JERK! Be polite but firm. Hand him a copy of the men's version of 'Flirting with Greatness' and ask him to go practice on someone else. Firmly say that 'lines' with sexual overtones are not only not attractive to you but to most other women in the world.

#6: Use the Buddy system. Walk through a group of men and have someone watch to see who's checking you out.

#7: Become More Irresistible! Show a little leg....wear higher heels...the redder the lipstick the more available and noticeable you will be. Arch your back a little as you sit up tall and cross your legs high. Wear earrings that are interesting enough to make someone comment on them.

#8: Look over your shoulder...and smile at him. This asymmetrical position is always a signal you are interested.

#9: Give him a look all over from head to toe - nod with approval and then flash him your most winning smile.

#10: Remember that flirting is a way of connecting from the heart and acknowledging someone. Be generous! Have Fun!

Flirting 101: Eye Contact, Body Language and Mystery

2008-02-20T22:29:00.001-08:00

Fret not, shy girls and guys…flirting is easy to do, and the best part is you don’t have to have a flirty personality to do it! Flirting is not merely physical—it has very important and sometimes subtle facets, namely the psychological, verbal and sensual components.

Confidence will take you a long way in getting members of the opposite sex to notice you. Dressing with style and confidence can help you get attention from members of the opposite sex. A sexy skirt or flirty top can do the trick, but females should always be comfortable in whatever they choose to wear. Justin Van Druff, 22, says, “Wear sexy clothes, but nothing ‘hoochie’. The guys you want to attract should have some class."

Sometimes one of the best tactics is to be sure the person knows you are interested. You can do this by finding little excuses to speak to him or her, even if it is as simple as borrowing a pen, asking about the score of a recent sporting event or commenting on the weather. Any little icebreaker can get a great conversation started, and that can spiral into spending time together, talking on the phone and potentially to dating!

Often flirting can come as a natural response that you may not even realize you do. At first it was difficult for me to sit down and document my own characteristic flirting style. I asked my sweetheart what he noticed about me and my behavior, and he let me in on a few little details…

Flirting can come in many forms and doses – for example, consider the difference between doing the chasing and playing hard to get. Both utilize their own styles of flirting. One is subtler while the other is more in your face. Sometimes playing hard to get on a small level can reap rewards by catching the interest of the object of your affections.

Flirtation and competition go hand in hand when it comes to playful scenarios intended to spark a relationship. My classic underlying flirtation begins with a challenge. Almost any challenge will do, but better yet if you can determine some of your desired prospect’s interests. If you know he likes sports, propose a basketball shootout, tennis match or a few frames of bowling if you so desire. If a group of both your friends are hanging out, play a game in teams… guys against girls, of course. Better yet, place a massage on the line for the winning team. This provides a great opportunity for both teams to flirt with their opponents – especially about how they are going to whoop the other team’s butts! The massage part is introducing a bit of touch into the equation.

Make up playful nicknames during conversation or good-humored banter. “Come on let’s see what you’ve got, champ!” Make lighthearted rhetorical remarks to the other person if they invite you to participate in a game or contest, “You couldn’t handle me!” or “Okay, Ready to lose?” Be sure to follow with a wink! Simple words of rivalry can stir up a friendly competition that is fun for both parties involved.

Flirtation does not have to be physical. Many great techniques do not even cross people’s minds because they are so subtle. Shiny lip-gloss, biting your lip at an appropriate point in conversation and other actions that draw attention to your lips will make you extra kissable. Laughing will portray you as a fun person, and if cracking jokes is your specialty, let loose with a few wisecracks to lighten the mood.

Eye contact is critical. Before we got together, my boyfriend and I held each other’s gaze for what seemed like forever. This intensity made everyone else in the room seem to disappear, and we only noticed each other. Even if you are shy, it cannot hurt to look at the person—in fact, being caught checking someone out or meeting their eyes can often lead to better things!
Eye contact is a good thing. Let the guy know that you notice him noticing. When a person catches another checking him or her out, it is almost a nonverbal statement announcing that person is interested.

If you spend enough time with the person or people you are interested in, flirting becomes almost like a second nature. You start to act how you feel without even thinking about it.
Even if you are shy, you just need to take a deep breath and realize that once the first few words tumble out of your mouth, it does become easier. You could soon be on your way to a wonderful and rewarding new relationship!

Can Fantasy Become Reality?

2008-02-20T22:27:00.000-08:00

What do you think about when you close your eyes just before you go to sleep? And when your mind begins to wander at work or at school?

Those daydreams you have from time to time are actually fantasies, by another name. The imagination provides limitless potential for all your heart's desires to come together into these fantasies. Aspirations of becoming a professional athlete, a model, an actor, actress, or a rock star all fit this ticket. The perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, your long-awaited wedding day, and other romantic fantasies also reserve special places in your mind. Even if your longings are not that momentous in the grand scheme of things, such as going on a spectacular vacation or becoming especially skilled at a sport or hobby, your daydreams allow your mind to live out a perfect scenario.

Young girls often begin dreaming up their weddings at ages as early as 12 to 14 years old, if not sooner. It is very likely that they may even have their bridal party and color scheme chosen before targeting their potential mate! Girls are romantic creatures by nature, and thrive on love and amorous thoughts.

Meanwhile, boys tend to think about sports, and often imagine themselves in key roles, Olympic contenders, professional athletes, or critical goal or point-scorers. It is rare to find a boy who is already thinking of his wedding at such a young age. Women tend to dream about the future, while many boys and men are more concerned with the present and making the most of it!

Fame and fortune also feed into fantasies. Many people crave a few moments in the limelight, whether by acting, modeling or performing in general. A hobby such as playing an instrument or singing can fuel these desires, and can sometimes even push the individual to his or her full potential. Being named Homecoming Queen, Team Captain or a lead role in a theater production are also possibilities of fantasies. The best way to make this sort of fantasy come true is through hard work and dedication!

Dreams of freedom can also occur for many people and that freedom could range from freedom from worry, responsibility and stress to the ultimate freedom: the ability to do Whatever You WANT!

Finally, the universal fantasy: a match made in heaven with a soul mate. Doubtless, the flawless relationship has crossed all of our minds at least once or twice. Mr. or Mrs. Perfect falls at our feet, we fall madly in love and voila! We are married, living in a beautiful home with a white picket fence, an in ground pool, two young kids and a dog.
Or maybe that isn't your ideal fantasy. Whatever the case, having a special someone with whom to share the daily occurrences of life can make all the difference.

This perfect person could be extremely attractive, athletic, polite, intelligent, and very similar to you. He or she could also be on the opposite end of the spectrum. Perhaps it is someone you know, someone youve yet to meet, or someone famous that everyone knows from the big screen. From a prom date, to a significant other, to a marital partner, romantic fantasies top the charts.

Are these daydreams and fantasies healthy and indicative of a good lifestyle? Surethey encourage one to work toward his or her greatest talents and efforts, to dream big and to make things happen. Does the time and place of these fantasies matter? Not so much, but to a degreeletting the mind wander here or there can be a motivating factor if it isnt in complete excess.

The probability of these fantasies actually coming true is relative to each fantasy itself. If you already know your dream guy or girl, approach him or her and express your interest. Get to be friends and see if sparks fly; it is better to take a chance than to forever wonder what-if and live the fantasy in your mind alone.

A fully paid shopping spree, the perfect date, any number of imaginable thoughts can motivate their dreamer to work toward success and fulfillment of those fantasies. Keeping a fantasy in the back of your mind will give you something to think about when you need a driving force behind you, or something to simply give you a secret smile!

The Art of Seduction - Seduce Your Man

2008-02-20T22:21:00.000-08:00

First, it's very important that you choose the right person to seduce. This is more a matter of instinct than anything else, but most of us at will attempt to make conversation, or at least some eye contact, with a potential partner whom we consider to be about as attractive as we feel we are. So, if you are not happy with the way you look and moreover who you are on the inside, then start there!

The thrill of seduction sometimes lies in the chase rather than the conquest. The excitement of wanting and pursuing someone can give a sense of satisfaction in itself - this is especially true for men. But those who thoroughly enjoy the chase are generally people with plenty of self-confidence and their belief in themselves increases the likelihood of success.

I suggest planning and setting up the time and the right place knowing you will be alone for some period of time. If the object of your passion is somebody you see on a regular basis, the time and the place being wrong may also very well add to the thrill. If you're getting the right feedback from him (flirting), the knowledge that that he is interested but that you can't do anything about it just yet can increase the feelings of arousal and excitement. Let them linger ...

Now - just how do you know that he's interested? Your best clues come from reading his body language. His body signals are far better indicators of how he feels about you than anything he may actually say verbally. The eyes are the biggest give-away when it comes to seduction of either sex. If he returns your gaze, and especially if he holds eye contact with you longer than you'd normally expect, then chances are he’s quite interested. Trust your instincts and you'll 'feel' whether he's interested or not. Look for small gestures and tone of voice tell you a lot about what he feels towards you.

Flirt. Flirt. Flirt. Important - We flirt with others to remind our partner that we still need to be wooed by him, but when used for seduction, it's a means of keeping the other person interested and aroused, as well as letting them know that they are unlikely to be rejected. Men, who are generally the pursuers, are highly dependent on your signals to reassure them that they are 'onto something' good. And ladies, playing hard-to-get isn't particularly attractive to men unless you're sending out enough signals to assure him that you are 'gettable' and that the chase will be worth it in the end. Just beware that you may chase him away.

Once you've made it known that you are attracted to him, you'll need to let him know where the encounter is likely to be heading. People have very different ideas of what sex should be, so it's important that you both know that you're looking for the same things and headed in the same direction. The subtle approach is more likely to get you what you want. Remember, though, men generally take the lead in this area, even asking questions and trying to determine whether you'd make a satisfactory sex partner. Follow his lead. The questions probably won't be that direct (depending upon the man), but they will be based around 'self-disclosure'. He tells you some, you tell him some and this creates trust. Try discussing sex in a light-hearted, abstract manner when talking with a potential lover, testing each other in a non-committal way.

Two people, who may have been attracted to each other visually, may not have the right chemistry to move along the road of seduction. Once you’ve talked a little about it, does he still seem interested? Look for signs of acceptance or rejection (remember rejection could depend on many many things - perhaps you’re just too much woman for him). If you pick up on any signs of rejection, don't waste your time on something that is very unlikely to happen, no matter how much you think you fancy him. The right man is out there just waiting to be seduced by you!

Surrender - If you're still doing fine and the signals are good, it's time to make your move. One of you must surrender. In all probability it will be you, because even if you initiated the seduction, he will probably have taken over the role of pursuer somewhere along the line. The roles of 'hunter' and 'prey' have been decided through thousands of years of evolution, and usually fall naturally into place.

In Search of Love

2008-02-20T22:04:00.000-08:00

I'm one of those people who decorate for Valentine's Day. Sam's and my wedding anniversary is either on the 19th or 20th of January — it depends on whom you ask and in which time zone he/she was in at the time. So when I decorate, I'm not just commemorating Valentine's Day, but also our marriage.

This year, I started planning for the holiday at the end of December. Now December is early, but I needed the extra time if I hoped to be successful. I wanted to find a print of a painting that reflected my vision of love — that passionate, all-encompassing gift from God for husband and wife. I wanted to find a picture that moved me the way Sam's love moves me. I would buy it and frame it and have it ready for our anniversary and Valentine's Day. I wasn't after a particular style or period of art — I enjoy many. The only stipulation I had was that all subjects needed to be fully clothed. My kids could not handle any more Gauguin-type Tahitian girls even if it was in the name of art appreciation.

One of the first prints I found was Gustav Klimt's "The Kiss," which I liked — a lot. When I showed it to Sam, he said it was too "flowery" and he looked worried. I assured him I would find something we could both enjoy.

The Internet can be a wonderful time saving device. I traveled to galleries spread across the country to view not hundreds, but thousands of prints from the comfort of my very own home.

In fact, it was so easy and saved so much time, that I reactivated the bursitis in my right shoulder. My fingertips developed calluses. I looked until the internal fan went out in our computer and we had to remove the cover and place a window fan next to it to keep the CPU from overheating. It became so cold in the basement that I had to wear gloves and a coat. But, I trudged on, red nose and all. (As an aside, this became a true test of love as I went to bed with ice-cold feet. Sam came dangerously close to failing this test.)

And with all that effort, the returns were dismal. Each night, I shut the computer down more determined than ever to find that perfect picture. I knew it had to be out there. Sam thought this was preoccupying way too much of my time.

By the end of January — I missed the anniversary deadline — Sam had become VERY impatient with my nightly outings. He came downstairs one night wanting to know when I would be done. I assured him that I was narrowing it down. He said that was good. I double-clicked to one of the finalists, "The Afternoon Siesta," by Vincent Van Gogh. This shows a husband and wife asleep in a field among haystacks. They have toiled together, and are now resting together. They seem like real partners in life. Sam gave this print a "thumbs up."

I also liked several prints by Jack Vettriano. One in particular was called, "Dance Me to the End of Love." Sam liked Vettriano's "Mad Dogs" better. It depicts a couple taking a frolicking walk on a beach. He is being chivalrous — trying to protect her from the sun with a parasol. He's having trouble because her movement is hard to predict. There is playfulness to their relationship.

Sam wanted to know which one I was going to get. "I don't know," I said. "I like these prints, but they don't reflect passion." "You've been looking all this time and you haven't found one you would consider passionate?" he asked incredulously. I reminded him I really liked "The Kiss" by Gustav Klimt, but he didn't like it. Now he wanted to take another look.

I brought the picture up on the screen and gave him my interpretation. She is enveloped by his love. She is protected by it. She feels totally secure in it. It is difficult to tell where he ends and she begins. They are one. It is how I think of my love with Sam, and it is how I think Christ wants us to feel with Him. Sam changed his mind about "The Kiss." We bought it along with "Mad Dogs" and "The Afternoon Siesta" — pictures reflecting different facets of love between husband and wife.

The prints won't be ready for Valentine's Day, but that's okay. I found the love for which I had been searching a long time ago when I met Sam and we each — separately and yet together — met Christ. The prints will be a nice reminder, but we already possess the real thing.

May your searching for love lead you to Him, also. He is ready to envelop you with His love. You may search to the ends of the earth, by foot, by car or by computer, but a purer love you will never find.

Hooked on the Feeling

2008-02-20T22:01:00.000-08:00

At one time or another, many of us find ourselves “hooked on the feeling.” Captured by a pervading sense of loss, the longing to recapture the magic of time now gone beckons like the smell of baking bread. The memory of being carried along on a wave of out of control joy makes us yearn for the feeling of falling in love.

Being “hooked on the feeling” doesn’t mean we have fallen out of love with our partner. Though many confuse it with this, we merely hunger for a once tasted treat now seemingly out of reach. Life turns routine. Marriage and family exert their daily demands. The excitement of first blush romance seems far away. Longing replaces anticipation. We get “hooked on the feeling.”

When we first marry, we are carried along by the first blush of love’s passion. Everything is new and fresh. With anticipation of each new discovery comes excitement. The feelings of romance feed on this excitement. We are carried away by the feeling of falling in love.

But new and fresh can be a daily discovery. Early in our marriage, we can’t begin to imagine all the good that God has built into our partner—things like character, strength, depth, sacrifice, generosity, kindness, patience, passion, and faithfulness. These are revealed only when someone shares life’s journey with us. As times and situations change, they master new challenges, overcome difficult hardships, and help us find joy in unexpected places.

Nothing is more astounding than a person we think we know, demonstrating a tender strength in crisis or a rugged faith in anguish we never knew was there. There is no gift quite as breathtaking as the willingness to risk body, soul, and future to walk down an unknown road with us. There is no love so strong as faithful love—a love proven by shared hardships, incredible joys, and unexpected surprises. More than a box of photographs, this love is a collection of indelible memories shared with the one person who knows us best.

Sadly, many who are “hooked on the feeling” throw this love away to chase the feeling. After the fling and the fancy, they find they’ve lost the love and are left empty and alone. So when that time comes when you find yourself “hooked on the feeling,” find it with the one you’ve loved before on the journey:

Do the things that helped you fall in love the first time. Treat them special, go to new places, share your dreams for the future, talk about your plans, and go for quite walks to be alone together.

Look for something each week to give thanks for in your partner—something new, something fresh, something captivating. It’s there if you’ll only look.

Do romantic things with your partner—surprise him/her with someting new and different just for fun. Do something they know is not your favorite thing to do, but they love to do.

Ask God to help you find the feeling of falling in love with the one who has shown they love you for a lifetime. I think you’ll be surprised that you can be “hooked on the feeling” with the one who has been most faithful and familiar over all the years!

“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its passion unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.” —Song of Songs 8:6-7

How Do I Know if I’m in Love?

2008-02-20T02:28:00.000-08:00

“Love is a feeling you feel when you feel you’re feeling a feeling you never felt before.”

Sounds profound, doesn’t it? I quoted it for years until I thought about the first time I received an electric shock. That was a feeling I’d never felt before, but I’ll guarantee you it wasn’t love!

The problem with the word love is that we use it to apply to so many emotions or situations that we sometimes don’t know what it means. So what is it? What is this thing called love?

Dr. Robert Sternberg at Yale University probably defines it best. He says that love consists of three components: 1) decision/commitment; 2) intimacy; and 3) passion. When all three strongly exist in our feelings for another person, he says that we feel consummate love for that person. What do these components mean?

Decision/Commitment has both a short-term and long-term dimension. The short-term dimension occurs when we consciously decide that we love someone. The long-term dimension occurs when we commit to maintain that love. Interestingly, some evolve into commitment without ever consciously deciding to do so.

Intimacy means closeness, connectedness, warmth, and bondedness. It has to do with understanding each other, accepting each other, and having open and intimate communication with each other.

Passion is physical attraction, sexual desire, and other strong emotional attraction to another person.

These three components of love were recognized in the time of Jesus. Commitment corresponds to agape found in passages like Matthew 5:44. Intimacy corresponds to philia found in passages like Titus 2:4. And Passion corresponds to eros. Dr. Sternberg didn’t find anything new in his research; he simply quantified how these components measure love.

So what does this mean to you?

I constantly hear people say things like, “I’m not sure if I love my husband,” or “I don’t know if my husband loves me.” Well, you can know. Instead of trying to measure an undefined, intangible feeling, try to understand how each of the three components exists in your marriage. The best way to do that is to have a revealing conversation with your spouse. The following exercise isn’t foolproof, but it may give each of you insight into the love in your relationship. You must do the exercise together and you must be completely honest.

Each spouse describes/defines what commitment means to him or her.

Using the spouse’s definition, each person rates his or her commitment to the other on a scale of one to ten. Be sure to explain the rating chosen.

Each person then answers this question: How satisfied am I with the levels of commitment we each have?

Each spouse describes/defines what intimacy means to him or her.

Using the spouse’s definition, each person rates his or her feelings of intimacy for the other on a scale of one to ten. Be sure to explain the rating chosen.

Each person then answers this question: How satisfied am I with the levels of intimacy we each feel?

Each spouse describes/defines what passion means to him or her.

Using the spouse’s definition, each person rates his or her feelings of passion for the other on a scale of one to ten. Be sure to explain the rating chosen.

Each person then answers this question: How satisfied am I with the levels of passion we each feel?

Now, together evaluate the love you feel and decide what each of you can do to develop more commitment, intimacy, and passion.

It may take you an evening or two to complete the exercise, but if you do, you’ll likely have a clearer picture of your love for each other. You may wish to visit the Family Dynamics web site to complete Dr. Sternberg’s questionnaire designed to measure the three components as they exist in your relationship.

If you don’t like everything you hear from each other, don’t panic. We’ll show you how to make love grow, no matter what you feel for each other right now. I guess that would sound arrogant except for the fact that at Family Dynamics we’ve seen it happen with thousands of marriages.

This week try to get an understanding of how much love you have. Next week we’ll show you how to begin making that love grow to ecstatic proportions.

What Makes People Fall in Love?

2008-02-20T02:26:00.000-08:00

Several years ago I developed a model that explains the process of “falling” in and out of love. It’s simple, practical, and extremely valid to the human experience. An amazing serendipity about the model is that when one understands the process of love, the person also learns how to fall in love all over again. We’ve used this model to help people fall in love again even after they had reached a point in their relationship where they were disinterested in each other, tired of each other, didn’t like each other any more, or outright hated each other.

I intend to share parts of the model with you over the next several weeks so that no matter how good or bad your relationship, you can be in love with each other again.

Let’s start where we should, at the beginning of every relationship. In our Love, Sex & Marriage seminar we ask people what first attracts them to another. Men tend to mention certain anatomical features. Interestingly, women do too. They talk about noticing a man’s height, the width of his shoulders, the flatness of his stomach, or the shape of his buttocks. Yes, even in church audiences!

So what’s my point?

Simply this: The first thing attracting any human to another is ALWAYS sensual.

When we first meet another human, we mentally register what we see, hear, or smell and instantly find ourselves attracted, neutral, or repulsed by that person. Since each of us is unique in our tastes, what one person finds alluring, another may find repelling, and another may not register as worthy of notice at all.

How does what we find physically attractive affect our “falling” in love? The chances of developing or maintaining love decrease proportionately with the degree of unattractiveness we perceive in another. For example, if you perceive a person as very unattractive, you likely aren’t going to be open to pursuing a relationship unless there is something else attracting you more strongly than their appearance is repelling you. That just makes sense doesn’t it?

When we were single, we accepted that truth. We kept our bodies trim, carefully coifed our hair, and wore only the most fashionable clothes. We knew that the people we met would immediately react either positively or negatively to our fragrance, voice, and appearance. We kept ourselves as attractive to the opposite sex as possible.

So why should it be any different after marriage?

A very common complaint we hear from both husbands and wives is the loss of their desire for a spouse who has forgotten the lure of the sensual. As one man said, “My wife is a beautiful woman when she wants to be. But she seems more focused on enjoying rich foods than being attractive to me. When I say anything about it, she just cries and tells me I don’t love her. I’ve learned to live with the fact that my wife will never be beautiful again because she doesn’t care to be. I guess I’m not as important to her as chocolate cake.”

I understand his dilemma. I’ve heard people reject loudly the idea that they should continue to be attractive to their spouses. When I probe their anger, I usually discover that the person objecting doesn’t feel attractive any more because of aging or some other factor. Because of that negative personal perception, he or she wants the mate to no longer be affected by physical attractiveness. They say things like, “A spiritual person wouldn’t care what I looked like!”

Interesting that they didn’t feel that way when they were looking for a mate. I often ask, “Were you spiritual when you first noticed the person you married? Did you question your spirituality when you were attracted by his/her physical beauty and attractiveness?”

God made us as we are—beings that are both physical and spiritual. We have needs to be fulfilled in both those dimensions of ourselves. He didn’t make all of us gorgeous, but He designed into the human race the ability for us to make ourselves attractive to others.

Think of it this way. Beauty is made, not born. No one has to match what he or she was during the early 20s. But none of us have the right to say, “Well, you married me. Now you have to blithely accept whatever I want to be like or look like!”

Whether you like it or not, you will be either attracted or repelled by what your senses register as long as you live. So will your spouse. Do you want your mate to be attracted to you? If so, you cannot demand his or her passion and desire just because you want it to exist. You have to understand the way God made us and make yourself as desirable as you can as long as you live together.

It’s the most basic step of falling in love. Or falling in love again.

Why Do We Fall in Love?

2008-02-20T02:25:00.000-08:00

Falling in love is a magical experience that happens between two people. So why do people fall in love? Professor Arthur Aron from State University of New York at Stonybrook has been exploring the dynamics of what happens when two people are falling in love:

Q: What motivates people to seek out love?
A: Our primary motivation as human beings is to expand the self and to increase our abilities and our effectiveness. One of the ways we accomplish this is through our relationships with other people. We have learned in our research that it is important to feel that you have the ability to be an effective person, especially in our relationships.

Q: How does this theory of self-expansion explain the process of falling in love?
A: Usually, we fall in love with a person that we find attractive and appropriate for us, but also someone who demonstrates that they are attracted to us. This creates a situation where a great opportunity is open to us for self-expansion. The fact that they are attracted to us offers a significant opportunity — when we perceive this, we feel a surge of exhilaration!

Q: Does it always work this way?
A: No, an interesting exception to this occurs if we feel badly about ourselves. The process gets thrown off if we can't believe that another persons finds us attractive — like the Groucho Marx joke where we don't want to belong to a club that would have us for a member. We tend to miss out on opportunities for falling in love if we don't feel good about ourselves.

Q: What conditions are best for meeting someone and falling in love?
A: When you meet someone under conditions that are highly arousing — a political demonstration, turbulence on a plane, a stimulating performance — a time when the body is stirred up and excited, we tend to experience attraction at a heightened level. This effect is well documented but the explanations for it are very controversial. I tend to believe that we come to associate the arousal of the situation with this person and our own self-expansion.

Q: When do we fall in love?
A: Contrary to what most people think, the statistics show that most people fall in love with someone that they have known for a while. People only report falling in love quickly about 1/3 to 40 percent of the time. Of course, this varies from culture to culture. Falling in love happens differently between cultures but it does occur in most cultures.

Q: How does our appearance factor into the equation of falling in love?
A: This is interesting; we have found that if you are very unattractive, it can hurt you a lot in forming romantic relationships. However, being attractive doesn't help that much.

Q: How do you explain that?
A: We have found that two important characteristics, kindness and intelligence, are extremely important in the process of falling in love. And attractiveness is not connected to these things. These two attributes are things that people learn about someone from knowing them over time. Intelligence is important in all aspects of life, especially in love. But kindness is the strongest indicator for a successful long-term relationship.